Losing thatha, travel to India, assignments.

It has been a while since I’ve put myself out there. A lot has been happening at my end and it seems like I must take some time to be with myself and take care of myself.

I lost my thatha (my maternal grandfather) on April 26th. He is someone I grew up with during my childhood and was a significant part of my childhood memories. He was excellent as a math teacher and was a very creative individual. When I was moving to London, he wasn’t particularly great, but neither was he too unwell. Although I heard the news of his health worsening progressively, I don’t think it hit me that he was nearing his end because I couldn’t see him or be there to gradually accept this process. When the news of his passing came, it felt somewhat unexpected to me and I was finding it difficult to cope with his loss.

After three days of attempting to “move on”, I painfully accepted that I needed time to mourn and grieve my loss as well as remember him fondly with my family at this time. So I travelled home immediately to be here at least for his memorial service or 16 adiyantharam as we observe it in my culture.

I’m also writing my assignments and working on my dissertation along with all of this and at the moment, it feels like a lot. When I step back and look at the last 7-8 months of my life, it feels like a lot of big changes occurring at a very very fast pace. I feel the need to slow down to breathe first and then to process everything and catch up with the developments in my life.

It feels like one of those times when nothing matters except for you and you feel like it is now time to put your well-being before everything else. This is also why I’ve been off Instagram for a while. It is adding to my anxiety, it feels like a meaningless activity and it doesn’t really give me a sense of closeness to anyone. In fact, after I deactivated instagram, I’m receiving emails and texts from people who are actually checking in on me. That, now, feels a lot better and thanks to everyone who is asking me how I’m doing 🙂 It feels like I’ve lost my purpose with Instagram now and until I rediscover it, I’ll write here about what I’m up to when I feel like it.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to re-direct my attention towards taking care of myself for a while and attending to my primary responsibilities. While I’m not fully okay, I think it is time to put myself first, slow down and show myself some love and care to navigate this difficult time.

Hopefully, in some time, I’ll be better.