How much peace today do I want to trade off for tomorrow?

I’ve been wondering about my future plans for the last several weeks. As someone who has always thought about “what next?”, I find it quite difficult to not think about the future and have a few options ready. But at the same time, the ghastly uncertainty glaring back at my face scares me.

The fact that I may not find the “perfect” opportunity or that I may make a mistake consumes me to the point where I lose my peace of mind. I’m disturbed, just constantly thinking about the future.

And then I wonder how funny it is that in order to craft a happy future, I’m killing my happiness today. I’m punishing myself in the process of figuring out, totally being unkind and not taking care of myself today. This process is not helping the future me or the present me and is proving to be an absolute waste of time and energy. Something like frantically hitting my arms and legs in an attempt to swim, but what would actually help is staying still and making calculated, well-timed strokes.

My own lack of clarity and knowledge of my options and low self-esteem are fuelling all of this. While this may seem avoidable, clearly I’m not there yet. No amount of understanding of living in the moment and letting go of the need to control help, despite knowing about them and advocating them quite well!

Perhaps I’ll stop when I’m tired and do what I’m really supposed to do to make progress – which is, make peace with the discomfort of uncertainty and trust the process.