Finally, I’ve gotten married. Months of planning and effort has come to an almost abrupt end and it simply feels overwhelming. There was so much chaos leading upto the wedding – I was running around a lot with the prep and it was so hard emotionally to deal with work and wedding prep while handling family drama. The two days of the wedding itself were rushed and jam-packed too! With 3 hours of sleep, a whole lot of anxiety and 1500 people, the days passed.
Looking back, it feels like it all happened so soon. And sometimes, it feels like it did not happen at all. We’re the centre of attention for those few days and finally, when it is done, life just goes back to the plain vanilla normal. All the rush and hard work for months culminate in those 48 hours. The next moment, we’re back to figuring out what’s for breakfast and logging in to work.
For me, it feels like nothing has changed since we got married. In fact, I have to remind myself constantly that we did get married. Most women talk about having cold feet before the big day, but somehow for me, I feel I’m in some kind of denial about it. It is hitting me only now that I’ve made this huge life decision and it is all done and dusted. I’m not saying I regret it, but just the enormity of the decision is only hitting me now. Suddenly life feels both lighter and heavier at the same time. The weight of expectations have gone up as more familial roles and responsibilities are added to me, but at the same time, it feels like I have a lot of people to share life with now.
A part of me embraces this feeling of family and security wholeheartedly, but the other just completely repels it thinking this means sacrificing my personal freedoms in the name of family. It is what I have seen as the destiny of the many women I’ve seen. I grieve the loss of my crazy unhinged youth as I suddenly feel aged and mature by many years. Bulky with attachments and burdened by responsibilities. Life changes, as it should, and I’m glad it is changing.. but at the same time, it also feels heavy on me.
That’s when he asks me – why should being married come with this baggage? Who said that you are not free?
I want to say that the world has shown me I’m not. I want to wake him up with the reality of what women endure, but for a moment, I paused and challenged my own blind beliefs. Perhaps he’s right. It does not have to be the way it has always been. It does not have to be the way others have lived it. I get to define what being married means to me and I can decide not to inherit the baggages imposed on me.